We wrap up the ridiculously child-inappropriate children's story of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi. Host Rachel says it best when she sums it up thusly: sometimes barely anything happens, and sometimes way too much happens. Ain't that just the way? If you, like Bekah, enjoy cruelty towards puppets, you'll enjoy this episode. Rachel is pretty sure some puppets are gay. Bekah is open to ghosts. Jackie …
You know how Rachel's cousin Megan has a mega crush on Jiminy Cricket? Well, now you do. We brought her on to explain herself. Join our Patreon to access the full episode, and other bonuses!
Today, we discuss that seminal work of puppet literature, Pinocchio! Written by Carlo Collodi in the early 1880s, this is a very, very strange book. It’s never been faithfully adapted to film, for reasons you’re about to discover. Also: you’re supposed to learn a lesson, in case you didn’t notice. We certainly didn’t! Topics include: nepotism, Jackie’s “British” accent, Year is Odd: Wrath of …
An announcement from your FTC OG's.
The gang is back for the second half of the most absolutely whackadoodle Christmas story ever written. Sure, in episode 1 all that happened was we met some cute people who prepared for a luncheon, but now we’re looking at murder, mystery, and men with wigs - not to mention an absolute f*ckton of fairies. Rachel is granted a miracle, but wastes it. Jackie has high standards for rain. Theo hatches a …
After a nice long fall break, we’re back atcha with the third of Dickens’ five Christmas stories! This week we cover the first half of The Cricket on the Hearth: A Fairy Tale of Home. For having such a cute title, this story is surprisingly off the chain and makes us wonder, not for the first time, what Charlie D was smoking on those long nighttime walks of his. Rachel is a good tipper, despite …
Boy oh boy, do we have a special episode for you! Today, in a vibes-based episode, we will be discussing the Moomins, amazing creatures created by Finnish writer/artist/anti-fascist Tove Jansson. These days, you can find the Moomins in TV, anime, movies, books, comics, and represented on basically every type of merch. We watched “Spring in Moomin Valley,” the first episode of the 1990 Moomin TV …
Happy belated Halloween, and welcome to Bump Patrol #3 - Monster Blood! We read and enjoy and ponder over RL Stine’s rollicking 1992 monsterpiece. Stay spooky!
Oh look, our 101th episode! In celebration, we kind of just continued doing our thing. It’s what we do best. We give a mini Stoker bio and wrap up the final 9 chapters of Dracula, and things get gayer and gayer. Rachel won’t stop ringing her own bell. Theo revels in life post-sexual awakening. Jackie finally takes control, to disastrous effect. Topics include: child brains, staging a play for …
Mwahahahaha, welcome to part 2 of our miniseries on Bram Stoker’s Dracula! This week we cover chapters 10-18 of that classic Gothic horror novel. Our team of hunters is uniting, blood is being consumed, and vampires are being staked. Who will survive to the end of the book?! Theo reaches nirvana, which is bad for the pod. Jackie refuses to disclose her latitude and longitude. Rachel finds a …
Velcome, velcome, velcome to part one of Dracula. Possibly the most famous Gothic horror novel of all time, Bram Stoker’s masterpiece is, for the uninitiated at least, a surprisingly complex read full of uncomfortable yet strangely compelling eroticism! We cover chapters 1-9 and tell our weekly stories. Theo has no idea how he’s supposed to edit this. Jackie meets a new friend and promptly throws …
This week we speak to Michael Kellermeyer, proprietor of Oldstyle Tales Press (www.oldstyletales.com), about what seems to be his favorite thing in the world - the works of Washington Irving. Michael is a former English professor, current independent publisher (and illustrator, bibliographer, literary critic, etc., etc., etc.), and all-around great guy. We had a great time talking to him about …
This week is a bonus episode! Enjoy hearing about the man who had a family and a few friends, then fell asleep for a while! When he awoke, the world was both similar and different.
Make sure you have your sleepytime tea and ZzzQuil (not sponsored) on hand for this one, because things are about to get spooky and you’ll need calming agents to keep your wits about you. This week, we regale you with the story of one Ichabod Crane’s very, very weird evening. Poor, gangly, big-nosed, gangly, awkward, and gangly Ichabod is not only easily frightened but also gangly, and he could …
This week, we bring you the tale of Washington Irving, a delightful historical troll and one of our current favorite guys. Perhaps best known for being the author of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and Rip Van Winkle, he should be even better known for his many and varied pen names. Join us as we experience awe and delight at his weird life! Theo suggests a new cool podcast tradition. Rachel makes …
We talk to Nghi Vo, author of The Chosen and the Beautiful, one of the Great Gatsby adaptations that have been released since the book entered the public domain, about getting our grubby fingerprints all over the classics. She talks to us about her inspiration, her writing process, and the strange customs of the American Midwest. (She also shares a little secret info about upcoming projects!) …
In the second half of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s American classic (or is it?), Gatsby finally puts his plan to meet up with his long lost love in action. Things only go downhill from there! If you like fictional 1920s drama, you’ve come to the right podcast!
Jackie brings us a question from her sister (because we know about gender things). Theo has 200 Microsoft Bing points. Rachel makes the case …
Here is a clip of our Patreon bonus episode this week, covering the fakeness or not-so-fakeness of Shakespeare!
To get access to the full episode, go to patreon.com/firethecanon
Settle in for a discussion of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s most famous work like you never heard it in school: by three highly distractible people who curse a lot, one of whom hasn’t read the book. We cover the first four chapters (of 9) and give you plenty of fun historical tidbits, like Fitzgerald’s abandoned title ideas, the true meaning of the book, and why there are so many goddamn gin and fruit …
Join us as we learn all about F. Scott Fitzgerald in preparation for our upcoming miniseries on The Great Gatsby! This poor guy had quite the wild life, including writing what some consider to be the quintessential American novel (somehow, the tale of rich people in New York City). Through his work, he strove to answer the eternal question: can a poor boy marry a rich girl?!?! Rachel totals a …
Today we read and discuss Parts 2 & 3 of The Metamorphosis, the famous tale of Gregor Samsa, a salesman who continues to be a monstrous insect. Theo laughs at child on child crime. Jackie’s attraction to Kafka is unchanged. Rachel delights in her accurate spacial reasoning.
Topics include: the Beetleborgs (a Power Rangers knockoff???), Homestar Runner, Nathan Fielder, Stephen's continuing …
A short preview of our Patreon Bonus episode this month! Theo designed a diabolical quiz game for Rachel and Jackie, who in turn answer diabolical quiz questions.
Today we read and discuss Part 1 of The Metamorphosis, the famous tale of Gregor Samsa, a salesman who awakens one morning to find himself transformed into some sort of monstrous insect. Theo gives himself an award. Jackie flails around like a Muppet, as usual. Rachel runs the gamut of hellish experiences at Heathrow Airport. Topics include: Jackie’s feelings towards her great-grandfather, our …
If you enjoy hearing people talk about the life of author Franz Kafka, have we got a treat for you! In this episode, Jackie’s the captain now, and she gets a little too into her Kafka research. She delved too greedily and too deep, and is now officially obsessed with old Franz. Now you get to reap the fruits of her labor! Come back next week to hear us talk about Kafka’s most famous novella, …
Sarah Gailey, author of the upcoming book Just Like Home, joins us to talk about one of the most famous American short stories of all time: Shirley Jackson’s 1948 classic, The Lottery. Jackie reveals her long, sordid history with technology. Rachel reads a book review from an alternate reality. Theo discusses an affordable delicacy. Topics include: old houses, cottagecore, rollerblading …
You may recall that a few weeks back we briefly discussed how the writer and philosopher Voltaire became a (relative) millionaire. Although we knew it had something to do with scamming the official French government lottery, at the time we believed the answer was, “he bought every lottery ticket.” Rachel has since realized it was a little more complicated than that! Join Jackie and Theo as they …
Ah, June. The time of year when dads near and far are honored for their contributions to our personhood. We interviewed our dads about our childhoods, and theirs, and some book talk made it in here and there. Technological mishaps abounded, but somehow, fiasco turned fiesta, and the party continues. Henry enjoyed being interviewed by Rachel so much that he insisted upon a second interview. Frank …
Well, well, well, look who we have here - Jackie’s previous poetry professor (and poet), Ross White. We discuss Ross’s favorite poem: Shelley’s badass masterpiece (badassterpiece?), Ozymandias. Rachel insults all poets. Theo therapizes/becomes the executive, legislative, and judicial producer. Jackie continues to have singularly unique experiences. Topics include: Downsizing (2017), tiny …
Here's our episode about the life of Percy Bysshe Shelley! A great writer, a terrible husband, and arguably an even worse father. Although he died at the age of 29, he got an unbelievable amount of living done. Listen in to hear about all the shenanigans he got up to! Jackie breaks the news about her disorder. Rachel tells everyone why the episode is about. Theo wishes he’d said “Get a tomb” …
We finally made it to the second/last episode in our Candide miniseries, and what a long strange trip it’s been. Our hero visits El Dorado, England, and Turkey, gaining and losing money and companions along the way. Will he be reunited with his true love (?) Cunégonde? Will he be reunited with basically everyone he’s met throughout the book? Will he continue to believe that he lives in the …
Well, well, well. Look who decided to join Jackie and Rachel on the right side of 30! That would be Theo, our (actual, this time) birthday boy-producer. In honor of this special day, Rachel decided to give him the greatest gift of all: an idea for a birthday episode that he didn't have to come up with himself. We discuss the children's book My Dog Talks by Gail Herman, an age-inappropriate classic …
This week we have another very special guest for you all: author Premee Mohamed, just in time for the release of the thrilling conclusion to her Beneath the Rising trilogy, The Void Ascendant. We had a great time chatting with her about Benjamin Franklin, Science Octopus; things that rhyme with Nyarlathotep; the differences between Canada and America; how to tell if something is YA; recycling …
This week we have a very special, very cute episode for you all - we interviewed our moms! Well, we each interviewed our respective moms. Buckle up for some cute stories and wide-ranging children’s book opinions. Theo and his mom issue a challenge. Jackie and her mom learn some surprisingly spooky information about each other. Rachel and her mom actually discuss books.
Books mentioned: …
Feliz Cinco de Mayo! This week, we’re talking about one of our favorite nuns, the genius author, poet, and scholar Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz. Born in the mid-1600s, Sor Juana’s work has had a resurgence in the past few decades, and we want to get a little piece of the action for ourselves. (Yes, we know Cinco de Mayo isn’t actually a big deal in Mexico.) Rachel shakes people’s hands just to …
Bump Patrol is back, baby. We revisit the book Theo calls one of the scariest of the whole Goosebump canon, and it’s an absolute blast (from the past).
Will the kids stay out of the basement as they’re told? Or will they drive the plot forward by very much NOT staying out of the basement? Is Margaret and Casey’s mom having an affair with a cactus? Is Fatso a good nickname for a preteen girl? …
Voltaire’s renowned 1759 satire of the idea that everything is for the best! Candide, a young German fellow, goes on a series of increasingly worse (and more bizarre) adventures, and does his best to maintain his sunny disposition. Theo reveals the last thing he wanted to do. Rachel is so powerful, despite having clothes on. Jackie plays an ultrasound prank. Topics include: honchxheads, Dune …
Gather round, audience, and we’ll tell you a tale of Voltaire, perhaps the greatest satirist in all of France. Learn why this man kept getting sent to England (a fate worse than death)! Find out which family member he hooked up with! Discover what his friends did with his body after he died! Rachel apologizes for having taken a philosophy course. Jackie comes for Young Thug. Theo declares his …
We’ve got a very special guest for you this week - Yoon Ha Lee, author of, among others, the Machineries of Empire series, and the Thousand Worlds series (with Rick Riordan Presents). Join us as we compare adult SF/F publishing to middle grade & YA, get our PhDs in space operas, and even discuss the appeal of robots.
Theo is more honorable than Jackie. Jackie reveals some truly shocking …
We wrap up the final 7 stories of James Joyce’s ‘Dubliners’. Somehow, despite the stories only getting sadder, we were more or less beside ourselves with silliness. Sometimes the stars just align that way, and neither soaring prose nor existential dread nor the revelation that one of us had unwittingly done something extremely embarrassing during a previous recording can bring us down. But fear …
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! In this seasonally appropriate episode, we read the first 8 short stories that comprise James Joyce’s 1914 collection ‘Dubliners’. A portrait of middle-class life in the titular city at the turn of the 20th century, things undeniably get weird, and the gang has to figure out how to talk about it without throwing up from sadness. Tune in to find out if they succeed! Theo is …
The return of our wonderful guest, author and historian Ada Palmer! (If you haven’t listened to our first episode with her, scroll back a bit and listen to Romeo & Juliet & Everything else.) This time we talk about the Black Death, Covid-19 as a historian sees it, and helping each other make a better world. Topics include: Titus Andronicus, Romeo & Juliet, Petrarch, tranquil souls, the gayest …
We read the last five chapters of Winnie-the-Pooh, by A.A. Milne. Which character is a badass bitch? Which character is the most like Theo? Which character makes Theo suddenly turn against the book entirely? Find out if this book gets to remain a classic, or if we decide to fire it out of the canon entirely. (Or a secret third option?!) Rachel disrespects the wishes of the dead. Jackie becomes …
We read the first five chapters of Winnie-the-Pooh, by A.A. Milne. As usual, our hosts have varying degrees of familiarity with this childhood classic. Does it hold up? Is it worth having kids just to read to them about Pooh and the gang? Let’s find out together. Theo reminisces about the sweet, delicious Pepsi Era. Jackie is still mad at Capri Sun. Rachel is being very Central American. …
We have a very special guest for you all today - Professor Ada Palmer, author of the recently-completed Terra Ignota series (one of Rachel’s favorites). We invited her on to talk about Romeo & Juliet, but, as is customary with our guest episodes, the conversation went in some very surprising directions. (However, we do recommend that you listen to our previous Romeo & Juliet episode first for …
Ah, love. We love it in all of its forms. One of those forms is the love between Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Robert Browning, both legendary poets, each married to the other. But which is better?! In the gladiatorial arena of romance, two love poems enter, but only one love poem leaves. Rachel stans a cougar. Jackie is a closeted sexist. Theo learns that he’s not a learner.
Topics …
Y’all know the drill! Shakespeare’s classic - boy and girl meet, fall in love immediately, and, through a series of misadventures, die. Sure, it’s famous, but does it hold up?! Jackie single-handedly defeats the whole purpose of the podcast. Theo taints the whole thing. Rachel helps high schoolers cheat on a quiz. Topics include: secret societies, chocolate assholes, Ann Hathaway’s …
We finish reading the last three acts of Rostand’s Cyrano de Bergerac, and finally find out if this play is a rom, a com, or a dram. One of our most high concept episodes yet! The gang processes their first one star review in a very healthy way. Theo takes a look inside his own head, and doesn’t like what he sees. Jackie sweetens a baby. Rachel is bawlin’ out. Topics include: a donkey that …
----more----We read the first two acts of Edmond Rostand’s classic romantic tragedy, Cyrano de Bergerac. It’s entirely possible that Cyrano is the coolest guy who ever lived. Listen in as we lay the groundwork for a familiar-sounding love triangle! Jackie speaks fluent German. Theo lifts weights with gusto. Rachel stands up for women. Topics include: Muppet Babies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire …
Join us for the dramatic ending of 1984! At the end of episode 2, Winston had been captured by the party, and thrown in prison. Let’s see what becomes of him and his gal pal Julia. Most importantly, let’s see if your hosts fire this book out of the dang canon! Theo does a seriously amazing job remembering what we’ve read so far. Jackie sings Fast Car, as is customary. Rachel blatantly virtue …
Things in Oceania are really heating up! This time around, our hero Winston gets up to some seriously illegal (romantic) mischief. Rachel falls down the side of a mountain. Jackie refuses to put a price on her dignity. Theo gets decked by a fourth grader. Thoo, if you’re out there, get in touch. Topics include: Ireland, Cook Out, pirates, No Nut November, goiter treatment tips, a pleasant …
The first in our Hot Takes series! Bonus content, inspired by our listeners.
For full context, revisit our Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening episode.
Well, a new year has come, and once again we find ourselves in 1984. Or do we???? Join us as we discuss Part 1 of George Orwell’s dystopian classic. Theo immediately causes trouble/aspires to become a party man. Jackie throws her hat in the ring for the Most Confusing Sentence Award. Rachel quotes her favorite politicians. Theo’s brother makes his podcast debut. Topics include: the …
A new year is upon us, and what better way to celebrate than to continue our tradition of joking our way through each of Charles Dickens’ five Christmas Books? In ‘The Chimes: A Goblin Story of Some Bells that Rang an Old Year Out and a New Year In,’ a poor old man learns a valuable lesson about the dangers of tripe consumption. Theo reveals a newer, more sultry side. Jackie wishes we wouldn’t …
Merry Christmas Eve-Eve, everyone! We sat down (virtually) with John Allison, Eisner award-winning comic book writer and artist, to hash out our thoughts on 'Hercule Poirot's Christmas' by Agatha Christie. We covered the plot in our last episode, so check that out first if you haven't already! Spoilers, of course, abound. And, even better, John gives us an inside look at his creative process. …
We read Agatha Christie’s Christmas mystery (Christery) classic, and share our favorite flavors. Spoilers for this decades old book abound! An old man is found dead in a giant pool of blood, after what seems to be a struggle. Which of his innumerable children did the deed?! Rachel builds suspense. Jackie is fine with being either friends or more than friends. Theo becomes a random word …